One year has passed since I graduated; since I left university with an Honors rolled up in hand and a very well received major in my cap.
One year since I, who was regarded as one of the best in my college, found myself in a stagnant stage of life. No schedules, no semesters, no classes, no job.
And for a while, it ate me up.
I put up a casual front. No job? Sure, I deserve a rest, don’t I? No job? It’s fine, the market’s down, isn’t it? No job? Sure, I’ve been blessed with accepting company; I don’t have mouths to feed now, do I?
“Why are you as stressed as someone who has to support a family?” a stunned doctor asked.
During the past year, mere, temporary self-doubt turned into full-fledged loathing. There were applications all over, forgotten interviews and abandoned emails, crippling anxiety, and self-doubt I’d cultivated and nurtured ever so lovingly.
It is a strange, baseless yet deep-rooted notion that I have. People around me have been alarmed upon noticing that I link my entire worth as a human to relatively meaningless things. Still, I am a believer in intrinsic value. I was a student of science after all; I do know that everything bears its purpose. I know and I know, but do I believe that that applies to me? For the first time in my life, knowing and believing conflicted in my being, jolting me awake in the dead of the night.
Was I really nothing but studies and grades and a terrible sense of humor?
Slowly, the thought I’d been furiously pushing away crept up my spine: No job? Why not? Why them and not me?
That, I’ve always known, is a poisonous thought. The bitterness of comparing yourself to another, the sourness of jealousy and envy, the feelings you can’t help but still manage to agonize over. So I decided to wrap myself up in all that hostility, to isolate myself because was I, with a mentality like that, even worth friends? I withered over the fact that no one reached out. It was terribly lonely, and that only fueled all the anger inside.
While inspiration is everywhere, being that invested in sadness makes everything sound pretentious and depressing. But what makes me feel better? Learning. An absurd thought, I know. But I’ve taken courses, dug up that little nerd, and started writing. Slowly, I found that darkness diminishing. Perhaps it still is not gone, but it soon will be.
I am unsure of what the purpose of this piece is (well, except to maybe release me from this major writing block). Therefore, I’d just be happy with someone taking even the tiniest thing from it. Hell, I’d be happy with someone reading this.
But dear reader, I hope that you always remember that you might feel stuck while everyone rises, but that is just a phase. You can exceed. You are worthy of this life, and so am I.