I have been a sufferer of obsessive-compulsive disorder for years. So far, the internet has done a fairly good job explaining that OCD is a serious mental disorder, not a set of organized pencils nor a neat closet, so let us not get into that. In basic terms, a person with OCD suffers from reoccurring thoughts (obsessions) that lead to behaviors (compulsions) that are done and repeated in order to remove the obsessions or reduce their intensity. Both can take numerous forms, but this is my story.
It started at the beginning of 2011, during a rough time for my family. A wash or two of hands, obsessively setting things in place before doing anything that requires dedication and focus, and repeating every other thing a few times over didn’t sound like a massive problem. The fact that the other side of my family is subtly paranoid about seemingly meaningless things made it all somehow alright, expected, that a bit of me will be off, not quite right, but only insignificantly so.
Let me first mention that I am Muslim, and Islam is a religion that values cleanliness. Before performing prayer, a simple act of washing is to be performed. But what if that simple task became never-ending hysteria of water wasting? It is completely against Islamic virtue to waste, be it water or not. I’ve always been aware of that, but back then it did not seem like an obsession that I was doubting that water had reached every nanometer of my hands. It was only me noticing things, maybe a little to intricately. It is all right to be a bit wasteful, I thought. I deserved the punishment of being wasteful since I had noticed things no one else did.
A few months later, being physically restrained from sinks became a necessity. Long had passed before I made anything clear by asking for help. During that period, the disorder advanced into a complex series of washing and washing again, counting, avoiding spots on the ground that I stepped on unwashed, fighting the urge to wash once more and then submitting to it. I was aware that it was irrational but still was ignorant, then, to the nature of the problem: that it is an illness.
But I still remember the exact moment that forced me to ask for help. The triggers, which are too dreadful that I am still unable to mention them, had started a few days before.
“I am tired.”
And I truly was, from something as simple as a two-minute act of ablution to take an hour five times a day, from never feeling stable, from spending hours upon hours putting things in place.
But my acting through the prior months was convincing, apparently, because the person who helped me had not even suspected that whatever was happening was happening.
During psychotherapy, it became clearer that I wasn’t cursed with a superhuman ability to notice. To me, it was liberating to know that something I’d struggled against while dismissing was a disorder; something that could be diagnosed and treated, something that happens to others as well.
Reading about the symptoms shocked me. I learned that the obsessions, excruciatingly violent and “taboo” thoughts had accompanied me (on-and-off) since I was young, perhaps six or seven years old, an entire ten years before the compulsions appeared. That the thoughts could not have been my responsibility, and that other people too frantically count on their cracking fingers to ignore the threats of their brains of divine punishment, paved the way to recovery. As for the religious aspect, I just kept in mind that religion is not meant to make life difficult and that divine punishment will not befall people for merely stepping on a particular, unclean tile.
Finally, the disorder still looms and lingers. I am now aware that my brain is playing tricks, as I occasionally was then. But now, I can defy all of my compulsions.
On a good day.
Thank you for sharing your experience. I always like when I find people who can be open and honest with their struggles and understand that despite our struggles we are all still just perfectly human. Keep fighting!
LikeLiked by 2 people
Very touching post, you are extremely brave to share your experience as well as taking the steps to recover, I wish you well in the future!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you for leaving such an encouraging comment. I guess you can do anything once you learn how to laugh at yourself.
LikeLiked by 2 people
It’s so interesting to read about something you know very little about. Thank you for sharing. I hope and pray you for a bright future for you. Keep up these brave steps you continue to take.
LikeLike
Thank you for sharing your story! Its so great to hear fhat you have had success overcoming these compulsions!
LikeLiked by 2 people
I never knew how it felt to have ocd, thanks to you, now I know! My mother has been facing similar problems, gonna get her diagnosed asap. The write up was really touching 😊
LikeLiked by 2 people
Good title for a post, and a clear explanation of OCD. Interesting to get a Muslim perspective on an issue that affects many. Thanks for liking a recent post I put up. I appreciate it.
Michael.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I can really empathise with this – for me, it was light switches. I couldn’t just switch them off; I had to switch them on and off five times, or bad things were going to happen. Thankfully beaten now; I’m glad that yours are too!
LikeLiked by 1 person
This was a beautiful read. And I can relate to an extent but at the same time I will never be able to fully relate since what you went through is unique and a part of you. All I can say is keep writing because this was just beautiful. You are beautiful.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thank you, so are you
LikeLiked by 2 people
I still struggling with my case of trichotillomania, but from a fighter to another you’re doing a great job. And thank you for being honest and open about something like this.
LikeLiked by 1 person
An enlightening post , bravo maryam . You have come out with flying colours .your calibre and rational approach have helped you come out with flying colours.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks for sharing, Maryam – it’s hard to capture one’s experience of mental suffering in words, but you do so well.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Whoa. It’s a relief, to some degree, reading about struggles that mirror my own. My physical manifestations are not as brutal as yours, but the wash of unwanted thoughts are often completely overwhelming. Thanks for sharing, you’re not alone either.
LikeLiked by 1 person
love,love,love you!
LikeLiked by 1 person
It’s nice of you to share your experience. It really could help someone reading this.
LikeLike
I am bipolar rapid cycling. On a good day … I could save the world with both hands tied behind my back. On a bad day … I would be the one the world would want to be saved from. Thank God I am on my present meds. Thank God for sharing my weaknesses and strengths and faith through my blogging. Thank God that you are strong enough to share your weaknesses and strengths and faith as well. You will help someone else … that person may be me. Thank you for sharing, jan
LikeLiked by 1 person
Is there a way to get your blog via email? I much prefer that to the reader. Thanks, Jan
LikeLike
What a very brave of you to share it with, I believe you can handdle that 👍keep sharing so you can release.. All of us have our own insanity to laugh at, but only we can manage that.. just believe we have the power to control over it..
LikeLiked by 1 person
I may never fully understand the extent of ocd on the human mind or there actions. Yes, I organize my closet with the clothes facing in the same direction while color coordinated. However, my everyday life tasks is a black sock among the white. Never will the understanding of such chaotic actions ease the sense of wonder when I watch those caught in the summit of the disease.
LikeLike
Wow, powerful, again I say, honest. I’m glad you are able to cope, and write:)
LikeLiked by 1 person
I appreciate you sharing this. I recently went through counselling, not for OCD but other things and we don’t fully understand how our past experiences affect our actions today or at any time
LikeLiked by 1 person
Reblogged this on Still Another Writer's Blog.
LikeLike
Thank you for sharing your truths. This is an awesome piece.
LikeLiked by 1 person
That’s so touching…thanku so much for sharing ur experience.. U know what even I can relate to ur post ….that was such inspiration ..kudos to u girl ..and thanks for liking my post means a lot ….
LikeLike
Fascinating blog, so glad to find!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you for sharing this story. My mental health was spiralling during a rough patch in my life a year ago, and like you, had subtle signs that i didn’t understand. It can be really scary to feel out of control of your own mind. I hope that you are doing well and continuing to find strength in the ways that are best for you 🙂
LikeLike
This a beautiful read. Its really brave of you to come out and tell us your story. And it’s awesome-ly written 💞
LikeLiked by 1 person
Are you on medication for it? Is it a constant (with fluctuations, if course)? Or does it only surface in times of high anxiety?
The religious aspect is pretty common, apparently. Rituals provide an easy breeding ground for the disorder to grow.
We’ve faced it from close family members and it really is a nightmare – particularly when it’s obsessive thoughts.
If you haven’t already, look up Natasha Daniels. Her stuff is geared at kids, and parents of OCD and anxious kids, but the techniques and advice is pretty universal regardless of age.
https://www.anxioustoddlers.com
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hello!
I haven’t taken any medication for it. Its not constant anymore, but it used to be at its worst. Sometimes it reappears, but I can easily shut the obsessions off now with the thought that this is a sickness and Allah will not punish me for it.
“Breeding ground” is an excellent way to put it. It really is a nightmare, so thank you for the reference! Someone I work with has a son who’s been showing signs, and she doesn’t seem aware of how big of a problem it will become later. I might share this with her.
LikeLike
Alhamdullilah – that’s excellent.
When you say you can shut the obsessions off easily, do you mean in religious rituals? Or overall general obsessions?
LikeLike