and her ongoing crisis

I’ve been using the term “quarter-life crisis” to sum up all of the confusion tumbling around my life. It had manifested itself in huge white-rimmed glasses, but I changed out of those into clear acrylic frames last week. They’re gorgeous and I love them, and I’ve been asking everyone to praise them. I don’t care what they really think.

But my crisis is a bigger one, although I’m at a stable phase. I am incredibly grateful, but it feels stagnant, and really, it’s no one’s fault if it’s not my own.

I think it’s called activation energy, the push you need to do something out of your routine. Reaching out, doing something new, and you don’t ever feel like doing it, but you have to force yourself. It’s that initial leap that’s hard, but I’m not taking it.

I can’t get myself to take it. I am so terribly demotivated, so I’m just sitting with panic building up inside me, watching as my life languidly passes by. I can’t get myself to take it because although I know what I want, I don’t know how to get it. The path branches into too many, and I am crippled by the fear of taking the wrong one and wasting my time and my effort, but what if the wrong one is the comfort I’m sitting in now? Maybe I have been pushing myself, but not hard enough, considering that there are half-done applications sitting around for weeks waiting to be sent. “They’re not good enough,” I tell myself, but will they ever be good enough? Will they just become good enough if I’ve got no drive to improve them? It seems to be a form of procrastination, a foreign concept to someone who tends to worry months ahead. But it’s a destructive one, procrastinating goals that do not have a deadline, milestones in your life that you want to achieve, but that aren’t scheduled out for you.

And I’ve been comparing myself to others, people of my age and younger. It really is a horrible thing to do to yourself, a reflection of a deeper problem and non-existent self-confidence. It does nothing to your motivation; if anything, it just demotivates you further. Your life is your own timeline, Maryam, and the only person you should compare yourself to is yourself. I know it, but the dread comes in waves, and sometimes you can’t help but take a step back and look at the time you could’ve put elsewhere. But I’ve taken it upon myself never to regret anything. I believe that everything does happen for a reason, and that there is a silver lining in it all, even the time that you might think you’ve wasted.

Am I sad? Maybe. It feels like a combination of sadness and indifference that laces my mornings. If any, it’s that blunt kind of pain, that mundane joyless laughter. I do feel bad for it, because I believe that I’ve got no right to be sad. The feeling of guilt that comes with being sad is wired in me, I guess, and I don’t really know whether that’s a healthy coping mechanism (probably not). I feel alone, too, and vulnerable when I talk about it, even when I’ve done so many times in this blog. There’s a lot that that comes down to, as I’ve said in other posts, but I’m just not willing to change to anything but the better anymore, and I’m tired of considering whether my ‘better’ will be catered by others. Take it or leave it. It’ll heal.

So this is a resolution (if anyone’s still reading this? Hello?). I’ll try my best and keep faith. I’ll do it.

(update: The applications were sent!)


28 thoughts on “and her ongoing crisis

  1. Oh my!! That last paragraph mirrors my own philosophy of life that took me years and years to develop thru much trial and hardship. That right there speaks volumes for you character. There are no mistakes, sometimes bad choices. But if you learn something from them, they can enhance who you are. I wouldn’t be who I am today if I didn’t go thru the things I have…..and I like me!! Allow yourself to be who you are. And as crazy as it sounds, the post I am currently working on and hope to finish this weekend is about how making and achieving goals can improve your health.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Everyone makes mistakes and some of them can be large. That is life. As long as you learn from the experience and don’t repeat it, again and again, you are ahead of the rest of the herd. Take a chance. It could be the best thing you ever do in your life.

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  3. I felt stuck in a quarter life crisis at 25, decided to go to Japan. Change triggers something in humans that gets the creative juices fueled by adaptation going.

    Another was my Dad’s heart attack. It sort of shaved off stuff I’d been dallying at because the idea of running out of time suddenly felt real. Again, survival drive.

    Adrenaline alone isn’t the key though: In the chaos that follows, seek what brings you joy and peace despite it all and a sense of purpose and direction will follow.

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  4. This really spoke to me. I definitely have felt those feelings of inadequacy before and I sometimes still do! But, I think it’s important to put yourself out there and to just “do.”

    BTW, thanks for liking my post!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Oh boy, have I been here. Just try to relax and distract yourself with doing something new. It may be the path that leads you out of the funk. By the way, love “quarter life crisis” phrase! Cheers.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I totally get it. What I’ve learned more than anything is to take action and the mind follows. It is never the other way around. I also have to know why I am doing something even more than the what. In the Y lives my intention and if I’m being honest I know if I’m doing it to impress others or because it feels divinely directed. By divinely directed I simply mean that God has a plan for me that sometimes I just don’t know The outcome of but if I remain quiet and feel motivated to take a step forward and leave the results up to him. That’s my two cents anyway. Thank you for stating what so many of us struggle with

    Liked by 1 person

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