Another little update

This blog’s now two months old, so another thank you to the 300+ followers and every visitor/commenter/liker!

As for my writing Twitter, it has thoroughly been ditched. I may save it if it means interacting with other WordPress writers since WordPress doesn’t really support direct contact so much. If you want to talk/ be friends etc let me know either here or there.

I’ve been keeping a Ramadan Ramblings Journal to keep me writing, and that has been well maintained. I may publish a few pieces some other time.

On another note, Ramadan’s almost over. It is quite sad, really, but I hope I make as much as I can out of the last days. So if you’re a Muslim, let’s keep it up until the end 😀 If not,  enjoy breakfast on our behalf for another few days.

Advertisements

Conviction

“You don’t really love your God as much as you say you do.”

I am unaware of the faith practiced by the doctor who said this peculiar, borderline-offensive phrase. Him being Indian, however, may have convinced me of the spirituality of the matter (forgive my occasional belief of this stereotype). It is important to mention that said doctor was not a psychiatrist, but what brought about this sentence was his knowledge of internal medicine.

He’d said that to a relative of mine who had stomach problems, and it somehow might have been the exact thing I wanted to hear.

Because I have a number of such issues myself, I had visited numerous professionals. It was diagnosed over and over again as stress, anxiety, or overthinking. “Try to calm down,” they would say, or, “you’re too young to be this stressed.” Futile, really, because it is almost impossible to be relieved with a few words.

But what this particular doctor did was force an immediate link to spirituality.

His objective was to emphasize the relation between health and faith. No matter what religion is yours, it is human nature to want something to hold on to, to believe in. All the anxiety I have been going through is related, in one way or another, to the future. What ifs and whens are destructive, and being someone of a religion that is not passive, but one that encourages you to try your best and leave it all up to the Almighty, I should be able to overcome such fears. Faith is crucial, but so is the effort.

I had promised that this wouldn’t be another automatic list of things to do when anxiety pulls you down. But always bear in mind, Dear Reader, previous stressful times; you’ve pulled through then and hence are stronger now. It has always been, to me, a comforting thought how today’s struggles will not mean much a year from now. Sometimes matters cannot be helped, and in such cases, acceptance is key.

I hope I do not come across as a preacher because I am not. I am only human. Despite the ease of pen to paper, the application is difficult.

Relieving your fear of the future, letting go of your feelings of inadequacy, and turning away the thoughts of people’s eyes will never be easy to those who have them so deeply embedded.

But just think of the size of Earth, Dear Reader.

Breathe. Take your pills if you need them and keep in mind the following verse of the Quran, the Holy Book of Islam, that I am sure will bring solace to you no matter your faith or beliefs:

 

94993ff2d9b8a4d5e19c6606443409ea.jpg

click for source

 

Illumine

 

There’s something incredibly happy about being someone to you.

It is not a priority to be a priority to someone to remain in their life. I’ve always believed so. You will definitely mean more to some than to others, but to be content is to know your worth.

I think that that, I have finally achieved.

What had snapped me back to reality was the realization that I do not mean to someone I hold so dear as much as they mean to me. And it really isn’t as bad as I thought.

I had spent long avoiding the fact, too proud to admit even to myself that I wanted to matter. But it suddenly became all right. I would like to matter, yes, but I only have to matter to the person I’m sure to stick by for my entire life: my own self.

The confrontation eased the loneliness. Took it away, even. I am, very contentedly, no longer willing to put effort into gauging my intangible worth to others. It is not an equation to be balanced, after all.

A change of heart is still certainly sad. But it is a part of growth, a part of life.

 

on sorrow and its guilt

Isn’t sadness invasive, showing up uninvited before your eyelids?

Of course, I am not speaking of what comes with ordeals, but that that dawns upon you with a day you should be grateful came along. Perhaps you are, but the fear of emptiness or its opposite, whatever to you that might be, is crippling.

Have you ever been told anything along the lines of this sadness being a choice? Like many other things that people tend to undermine, that particular numb sorrow is too often misunderstood.

I am not qualified to advise so I will address the matter as it applies to myself. That feeling in me is an odd mixture of silent indifference and dormant frustration. When meddled with, the dormancy subsides into explosive anger.

Why?

Because is it not frustrating for groundless unhappiness to come and claim parts of your life away?

And the guilt of being meaninglessly miserable is past bearing.  I  am grateful for everything, so what right do I have to let the misery in?

But sometimes, I let myself be weak for a few minutes or a few hours. As long as my state doesn’t compromise anyone’s happiness (well, unless prompted), I make peace with guiltless sadness. Because resistance is painful, and dwelling on “you’re only looking for something to cry over,” is excruciating. It’s in the wiring of my brain, I know it, and it sometimes can’t be helped.

But then I breathe, because as complex as the matter is, if a feeling that grave is only one blink away, then perhaps happiness shouldn’t be more than a few cups of coffee farther.


Notes:

Again, this is how I feel and deal with it. Take it as one of those days if you wish. I won’t explicitly delve into anything related to serious, clinical mental health issues (yet?), not mine nor anyone else’s.

 

A little update

If you’ve checked my first post, you’d know that I wasn’t really expecting anyone to take much interest in this blog. To have reached a hundred followers in less than a month is exciting, thank you! And yes, it did have a different address just earlier today. How do you like the new one?

Also, I’ve set up a new twitter account  for writing and reading updates. It is a bit underfurnished at the moment, but I do hope I don’t end up neglecting it.